


Speak Freely (but only tell me lies)

by ChasingFantasies



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2016-01-14
Packaged: 2018-05-13 23:38:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5721373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChasingFantasies/pseuds/ChasingFantasies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Plans were never meant to last. Lexa had told her that. They may have left her at the foot of the mountain, but it's not over yet. Clarke won't let it. She will save her friends. But she has to see the Commander one more time. If only because there was so much left unsaid. This is the end. But the end of one chapter means the beginning of a new one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Speak Freely (but only tell me lies)

When the horn blew Clarke knew everything was over. They had filed out and blue eyes could do nothing but watch as all of hopes vanished with them into the tree line. Her mind ran a mile a minute and there wasn’t anything to hold the dark thoughts at bay anymore. Nothing to stop the wretched feeling that ached in her chest. All she could was replay Lexa’s words over and over. All she could see was the blood that had streaked her face and the look of triumph in Emerson’s eyes.

_May we meet again_

They hadn’t lost. Clarke had lost.

And when all was said and done, when there was nothing left all that stood in front of the mountain was a broken leader. All the plans they had made gone. Her heart hurt. An immeasurable feeling of loss and hollowness left in its place. She could taste their victory on her tongue they had been so close. Now a bitterness that tasted a lot like bile and regret settled in her throat.

Because the rational part of her mind knew this was it. Her friends would be slaughtered. Why? Because she was incompetent. Because she had been wrong. Because Clarke had been weak. And all of it came back down to one single thing. One overbearing thought that pounded like a jackhammer. After all didn’t everything always come down to Lexa?

The betrayal outweighed everything that she felt. All that was left was the pain. It never boiled, never turned into a rage or bubbled beneath the ridges of her skin. It just sat there like a cancer spreading throughout her entire body. And it burned her.

_Why? Why did she leave me?_

Clarke doesn’t know when she had fallen to her knees only that she had. Her eyes stung and she could feel the tears behind her eyes. She held them at bay. They didn’t deserve to fall. She didn’t deserve that comfort. Because she should have known. Because it should have worked. Because Clarke should have been smarter and she wasn’t.

She gasped for breath. Everyone was a struggle because it felt like the world as spinning. Her heart should have been racing. It should have beat against her chest and pounded with the ferocity of fury. But it didn’t. And with every second that passed it felt as if her heart slowed and slowed and slowed.

Pain flashed through her chest and Clarke held the ground as if that was the only thing keeping her tethered there. The dirt soaked with their blood. She sucked in a harsh breath begging herself not to sob. She had to be strong. But she was so weak. The dirt was cold beneath her fingers as specks of brown earth lodged itself under nails. And when the rain she laughed. Quaked with anger and sorrow and frustration that she couldn’t say. It was hoarse and hollow. For the first time in her life she felt lifeless.

It was slow at first the drops of sprinkles as they fell to the ground. Yet it was only a moment until it began to pour. Before the sky cried in agony the things that Clarke could not. Ugly with grey the water soaked the earth because Clarke knew. She knew that it was over. That there was nothing left that she could possibly do.

But as she looked up and stared at the door to Mount Weather she knew she couldn’t give up. This couldn’t be the end. She wouldn’t let it.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

“You summoned me?”

 The early morning light shone through the open flap of the tent. She could feel Lexa’s eyes follow her every movement as she entered. And the silence that hung between them was heavy with uncertainty, but more importantly maybe anger. It was uncomfortable and Clarke found she could barely hold her gaze. She couldn’t It hurt too much. She was too afraid of what Lexa might see if she did.

Too afraid of what she herself would see if she did.

The walk back last night had been long. The rain had followed her throughout the night soaking her to the very bone. It left Clarke feeling raw and alone in the woods she had come to know like the back of her hands. The last place she had wanted to be was in the Grounder camp in the ruins of TonDC, but that is where her feet had taken her.

Shivering and aching they had taken her home.

The word tasted like bile in her mouth.

She felt trapped in the spacious tent of the Commander. She wanted to leave had every intense urge to run as far as her feet would carry her. She had better things to do. Plans that needed to be made. All because of Lexa. Her friends needed her and she was in a race against time. She didn’t know when Cage would have them slaughtered, how many he already might have slaughtered. But when Ryder had come to wake her to see the Commander she had obeyed. Without a second thought, without any hesitation she had carried herself to Lexa.

She believed her heart might always carry her back to Lexa.

That is what kept her up all night. That is what scared her most of all.

Now she stood watching as her counterpart stood quietly in front of her. Her eyes heavy and Clarke didn’t miss the circles under her eyes. Didn’t miss the way her mouth seemed to be tight with emotion she knew wouldn’t be said. It just wasn’t in her nature. Clarke wasn’t sure if it was in hers anymore either. _It was weakness._

“Clarke” Her named sounded so simple from her lips. The blonde had always noted the way that from Lexa’s lips her name was new entirely. It was beautiful and heavy. It was everything and nothing. Clarke had wondered – before everything – what her name might sound like in a different time. In a more peaceful time.

That was wrong though. They both knew what this was. It had meant to sound strong and yet they both knew what they heard. And instead of a time of peace instead of a time of something else all it sounded like to Clarke was all the words she couldn’t say. All the words she might have wanted to say because there was nothing she could say. And yet here they still were.

The blonde felt her jaw tighten painfully. “Commander” She addressed formally.

She bit her tongue to keep her from saying more for being the one to break. If she let too much in if she gave in to the chaotic feeling inside of her she wouldn’t be able to control the things she said. Wouldn’t be able to stop the things she wanted to do. It would all come pouring out and there would be no way for her to stop it. If that’s what she even wanted.

Lexa shook her head. “Lexa” She said breathlessly, but there was still the unmistakable firmness the desperation.

“What?”

“My name,” She said softly. “You have never had to address me as Commander. We are equals Clarke of the Sky People.” She finished selfishly. Green eyes studied the blonde’s every movement. Eyes roaming over her body as if this might be the last time she’ll see her. She couldn’t stand the stiffness in Clarke’s back. She couldn’t bear to hear the coldness in her usually soft voice. It was a selfish desire to hear her name from those soft lips again.

Clarke regarded her silently. Her throat choking with anger. Lexa’s face was impassive, it always was. But she knew better. She knew Lexa better. In her eyes she could see the other woman’s sadness the pleading for understanding. At one time the blonde would have believed what she saw; Clarke would have seen the woman beyond the mask. As she stood now though she found she couldn’t. All that there was was the Commander. That’s all there could be.

“Why did you call me here?” She bit out tersely.

“You’re angry at me.” Lexa said. “But you would have made the same decision.”

“Who exactly are you trying to convince Commander?” She kept her eyes to the ground. She could stay in control. She could get this over with and do what she needed. She could be strong.

“You would have made the same decision.” Lexa said more forcefully this time. Her eyebrows furrowing in frustration, but never remorse. “Of that I am without a doubt.”

Clarke laughed hoarsely. She sounded so sure. Lexa sounded so sure of what Clarke would have done. Maybe she did know. Maybe she had always known better than her. That was wrong though. Her heart knew it was wrong. Blue eyes finally rose from the ground to meet piercing green eyes.

“No _Lexa_. “ Her voice shook and Clarke hated herself for that to. “I wouldn’t have. I wouldn’t have left your people to be slaughtered. Of that I can assure you.” She said shortly.  

She watched as the Commander’s mask cracked in front of her. She saw a flicker of something that she refused to acknowledge, refused to let take hold of her. Because all she could see is the look on Emerson’s face that was burned into her memory. The look of his triumph of the arrogance and the victory that had rightfully belonged to Clarke.

Lexa held in the urge to flinch at her words. “You would have because that is what would have been best for your people. You taught me that Clarke. Because you are strong and you would have been the leader your people needed.” The pleading denial in her voice made her weak. The wish for her words to be true. “I did it because I know that’s what you would have done. I did not make the decision as lightly as you seem to think.”

_I promise that it hurt me to. It hurt me just as much as it had hurt you._

“You didn’t make it _lightly_? Because it sure as hell seemed like it!” Clarke seethed. The anger was finally there. The desire to make Lexa hurt like she had done to her. “You left my side for a moment and when you came back everything had changed! Everything! Do you want to know why I wouldn’t have done it? I wouldn’t have it because I thought we were together in this.”

Lexa snarled hating the accusations that fell from pale lips. “I had to think with my head and not my heart. I did what was best for my people. I did what had to be done. I did what was required of me.” She said standing taller than she was. Her chest held out despite the weight of her burdens across her shoulders. She stood tall.

“You just don’t get it do you? You haven’t even figured it out.” Clarke said in awe, but the sorrow never leaving her eyes. “I understand Lexa. I do know why. Why you did what you did.” Her voice broke pathetically. “But I was willing to do e _verything_ for _both_ of our people. Because Grounder and Sky person alike they were my people to rescue. They were all my people.”

Clarke didn’t know when her voice had risen only that it had. She only realized she was breathless because she couldn’t find the air to speak, couldn’t look past the pain that seared her heart mercilessly. That stole from her what little she had left. Clarke was fading and she wanted to do everything to stop that. She didn’t want to lose herself.

“I trusted you. I trusted you and you turned your back on me.” Her hands shook violently by her side. “I would have never made the deal because it would have hurt you and because no matter what happened I never wanted to _you_.” Clarke felt her feet move of their own accord carrying her to Lexa.

Blue eyes met green. “Because I cared about you.” She said breathlessly.

The admission tore itself from her throat. The truth that she continuously denied. That through sleepless nights dominated her thoughts constantly. Because all there was was Lexa. Her green eyes and her wild hair. The smell of earth and trees that constantly lingered when she was around her. The black tears that dripped from her eyes. It was all Lexa.

Lexa’s eyes widened and she felt her heart race painfully before turning on her heels. She wondered if Clarke could hear it. Hear her heart trying to break from her chest. “Stop” She croaked. All the anger and strength she had fleeing from her body.

Clarke laughed. It held no warmth or love in it. “I can’t.” Her words were soft. “That’s the problem.” Because they bared herself to the one person she didn’t want to know. “I should have never believed that this was something more than a deal to you. That you actually gave a damn about us.”

_About me._ It wasn’t said, bu they both heard it.

Lexa whipped around. “I do care Clarke.” She whispered harshly. “But what was I supposed to do? I am the Commander of an entire army who are just waiting for me to make a mistak-“

“No!” Clarke shouted angrily. “Damn it, stop blaming all of this on your title.” She finished cursing. Hot tears starting to fall because they could no longer be held back. It was too much to bear. “You could have trusted me. You could have trusted us. You could have had the belief that we would win together. You had a choice Lexa.”

Silence hung between them. All Clarke wanted was to find a corner to hide in and never return. To make the pain go away because she didn’t want it anymore. She couldn’t bear to look at Lexa but she couldn’t bear to look away. Everything hurt. She wasn’t sure what the right thing to do anymore was.

“Weeks ago,” She said slowly. “I would have made the same decision. Before I knew you, before I knew your people and everything you have fought for and suffered I would have made the same decision. I thought though that things had changed. That things were different because of you. Because I believed you were different.”

Her eyes glistened. “But you are exactly what my mother and Kane said you were.”

Lexa refused to cry. She couldn’t. She wasn’t to be that weak. But more than anything right now she wanted to. And watching Clarke in front of her hurt more than anything she could have imagined. She opened her mouth and for the first time she couldn’t find the words she wanted to say.

“We’re done.”

“What?”

“We’re done Commander.” Clarke said flatly.

Lexa straightened herself and tried to keep everything together. Her mind raced as she tried to think of a reason to say no. Something that would show her she was being unreasonable, that she couldn’t do this. “You are the leader of your people. Regardless of your feelings Clarke you will always have to deal with me. You cannot run away.”

The blonde smiled. It was sad and angry and it was remorseful. “You don’t control me Commander. I am not one of your subordinates and you have made it clear that I am not anything else to you either. I will do whatever I see fit.”

“You cannot run away from me Clarke.” Lexa reiterated. “The alliance will fail.”

There had to be something. Something that wouldn’t make her go. Anything would do. Because this couldn’t be happening, not now, not again and not like this.

“Hasn’t it already?” She asked sadly. “My people hate you right now Commander. There is very little that you can do to change that. And if it does survive this, if it does make it through the hell you put it through then you will deal with my mother or Kane. I will not be your go to; I will not be your envoy. I will not be your _toy_.”

Clarke walked up to Lexa and their breaths mingled as their noses almost touched. “So stay the fuck away from me.”

Lexa thought something broke inside of her. She thought something fragmented into a million pieces, something that hadn’t hurt like this since Costia. She had done what she had to. She had to keep thinking that otherwise she would drown in these feelings. She would drown in Clarke.

And for the first time in a long time Lexa spoke as a woman and not as the Commander. Because she couldn’t stand the way Clarke wouldn’t say her name. She couldn’t stand the way Clarke looked at her like a stranger and not as her friend. She couldn’t stand to remember the way she felt against her that ay in the tent. She didn’t want to be without Clarke by her side.

“Please.” She whispered quietly.

Her voice shook in desperation and she could see Clarke’s face crumble at her words at her honesty and helplessness. She had to be something. She had to say something to make her stay. To show her that there was remorse even thought she didn’t regret her actions. She had done what she needed to and not what she wanted to. That never meant her feelings had survived the aftermath. That her heart still didn’t yearn.

“Please don’t leave me _Klark_ , _beja_.”

It was weakness. The Sky Princess was her weakness, but it was a weakness she so desperately craved.

Clarke held back the sob and in a moment of sorrow – in a moment of desire and longing for something that couldn’t be – she grabbed the nape of Lexa’s neck and brought them together softly. Her blue eyes closed as their foreheads touched, but green eyes watched her pleadingly begging.

She grazed her lips against the other woman’s feeling her warm breath, hearing the sharp intake of breath. How she wanted to press them together, desiring the soft feel of Lexa on herself. Desiring bringing her in close and feeling her body on hers. Desiring the love for a woman she couldn’t have.

She burned this into her mind. This moment together because she knew the words were true. Both of their words – in anger and in sorrow. Clarke couldn’t keep doing this. And she needed someone who she trusted and trusted her in return as well. Lexa had proven that it couldn’t be her.

Even if in her heart Clarke desperately wanted her to be.

“You’ve left me no choice Lexa.” She murmured against the other girls lips. When she opened her eyes she saw the understanding and sorrow in Lexa’s eyes and she felt her heart break. It was her turn no. it was her turn to make a decision as a leader and to push all of her feelings aside. Now she had to be strong. Lexa had given her no other choice.

Clarke turned and walked away. When she made it the entrance of the tent, she stopped one last time. She glanced back and saw the woman watching her. Not the Commander, not the leader of an entire Grounder army, but Lexa. She saw Lexa and it made everything hurt all over again.

They had taught each other well. Lexa had shown Clarke what it meant to be ruthless and Clarke had shown Lexa diplomacy by any means necessary. They had been doomed from the start.

“You were right. Love is weakness.”

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Lexa stood staring at the last place Clarke stood. The image of her friend with tears streaming down her pale face etched into her mind. This isn’t what she had wanted. This had never been what she had wanted. She hadn’t meant to hurt Clarke, but Lexa knew deep down she always would. People near her never survived.

The sound of boots outside on the ground let her know of someone approaching. She hoped it would be Clarke, wanted it to be Clarke, but knew it wouldn’t be. Indra stepped through the flap of the tent, the proud woman tall as ever.

The dark woman stood and said nothing waiting for her Commander to initiate. Lexa knew when something was one her warrior’s mind. She knew the pinched look of control the woman had when she tried to hold her tongue. Hiding her thoughts had never been her strong suit.

“Speak freely.”

Indra grunted. “I saw Clarke leave.” She said simply.

Lexa’s eyes betrayed her she knew and the deep pang in her chest burn. “I required her presence. I imagine that is the last we will see of her.”

“I believe that as well.” Indra continued. “And I hold no love for the Sky People. I will never condemn you for your decisions because you lead us well, but last night you surprised me.”

Lexa felt her knuckles go white as she stared down her second.

“I heard the sound for retreat and assumed somehow that we won. I left Octavia after she helped us even though she begged me to stay. Do not mistake that I am not happy to have my people back as that was the most important thing,” Indra said plainly. There was no anger in her eyes, no regret or sympathy just her opinion.

“But we have never run from a fight. And I have no doubt that we would have taken that mountain and made them bleed for the sins that they owe us. What you did, it was cowardly.”

“…is that all Indra?”

The warrior watched her in silence for a moment. “Yes Heda”

“Then go.”

The teller woman hesitated. “I was not angry when you left before TonDC and I am not angry now. The Sky People were not our concern. You are ruthless and that is why we survive,”

“I said go.” Lexa said flatly. Her ears burned with Indra’s words.

“But I had expected different from you.”

Lexa whipped around anger. “Leave Indra!”

Indra stood unfazed and unwary even as Lexa’s hand lay tightly on her dagger. “Yes Heda.” She said before walking out of the tent.

Lexa was left standing alone in her tent her entire body aching with a weight that was familiar to her. Slowly she let her feet carry her to her throne. Climbing the steps to the seat easily although her legs felt like lead. And with each step the weight on her shoulders seemed to grow until she finally dropped to her seat. She gazed at the empty tent in front of her and war tables that littered its space.

She tasted the salty liquid far before she realized they slid down her face. She could feel her hands tense and her body sag without her permission. Her people were safe. Her command was revered. She had done her job and she was proud. That didn’t stop the burn of her tears. It didn’t stop the fact that her heart broke and she felt empty inside.

“I’m sorry _Klark_.”

She whispered her regrets even though no one would be there to listen.

_There is more to life than just surviving._

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

**Author's Note:**

> This is actually one of my older pieces and I wrote it right before the finale of the second season. It isn’t my favorite piece that I've written, but it’s my baby so it had to my first piece on AO3. The original copy is on FF but I rewrote it and fixed some mistakes. 
> 
> I actually can’t wait to get more pieces on AO3. Thanks -CF


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